Most parents would agree that teenagers can be moody and oppositional. As adolescents’ identities begin to form, it’s not unusual for them to challenge authority figures. And sometimes that can result in teen verbal abuse directed at parents.
Being mean to your parents isn’t uncommon for teens. However, parents who are dealing with a verbally abusive teenager should not downplay this behavior. Verbal abuse is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. In some cases, a teen mental health issue could be the underlying cause.
Key Takaways
- Verbal abuse refers to using language to belittle, scare, intimidate, overpower, or control another person.
- Developmental disabilities or mental health disorders can make some teens more prone to verbal abuse.
- Setting boundaries, enforcing consequences, and teaching emotional regulation are ways to cope with a verbally abusive teen.
- Individual and family therapy can help parents and abusive teens work through difficult feelings, learn behavior modification techniques, and regain trust.
Warning Signs of Child-to-Parent Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is a kind of emotional abuse that involves using words to demean, intimidate, frighten, or control another person. It can also accompany other types of teenage aggressive behavior.
When adolescents are verbally abusive toward their parents, parents may feel powerless to stop the abuse. But when teenage verbal abuse is subtle, parents may not even be aware they’re being mistreated.
Types of Parent Verbal Abuse
Here are some of the forms of teen verbal abuse that parents may experience with their adolescents.
- Name-calling: Undermining a parent with insults or derogatory labels. Screaming and yelling may accompany name-calling.
- Judging: Using language to look down on parents, making remarks with the intention of causing parents to feel inadequate or inferior
- Criticism: Pointing out parents’ errors or flaws—not to be constructive, but to make them feel badly about themselves
- Sarcasm: Masking condescending and belittling remarks with humor
- Manipulation: Guilt-tripping a parent into doing something they don’t want to do—for example, “If you really cared about me, you’d let me have that car.”
- Ridicule: Making fun of parents with the intention to hurt, joking about them in areas where they feel vulnerable
- Humiliation: Insulting a parent publicly
- Gaslighting: Intentionally making a parent question reality, even insinuating they’re bringing the teenager’s verbal abuse upon themselves
- Threats: Trying to control or manipulate a parent by using frightening language and scare tactics, such as threatening violence or self-harm
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How Does Defiance Develop in a Child?
As children grow and mature, they instinctively want to make their own friends and develop their own interests. This is a healthy impulse. As part of the process of differentiation, most teenagers exhibit defiance. They may break rules, say hurtful things, even have explosive episodes. Abusive teenagers take defiance to a higher level, however.
How does defiance develop? Often, defiance develops because children feel powerless and want to exhibit control. In other cases, they lack the ability to regulate their emotions. Some styles of parenting may lead to verbal abuse. Parents may have lower expectations, compromise, or give in to their children’s demands to avoid their temper tantrums. Hence, they indirectly send a message that they’ll tolerate verbal aggression and inappropriate behavior.
Why Children Are Verbally Abusive
What causes verbally abusive teen behavior? For one, the parts of the brain responsible for decision-making and impulse control aren’t fully developed in adolescents. Teenagers have surging hormones, and some rebelliousness is common. As they individuate and transition from childhood to adulthood, occasional angry outbursts are to be expected.
Some teenagers, however, have issues that hinder their social skills and ability to learn, prompting not just anger, but verbal abuse. Others have witnessed domestic abuse or been abused themselves. Here are some of the reasons why children and teens can become verbally abusive.
Domestic Abuse in the Home
Childhood trauma, including witnessing or experiencing domestic abuse, can cause emotional, psychological, and physical problems in children and teens. Teens who are subjected to domestic abuse are also more likely to struggle with emotional regulation. A study of 237 girls between the ages of 12 and 19 showed that teens who experienced emotional and physical abuse were more apt to demonstrate aggressive behavior themselves.
Developmental Disabilities
Developmental disabilities can be caused by genetics, the environment, or medical conditions. = Common developmental disabilities include attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorder, cerebral palsy, intellectual disabilities, and learning disabilities. Some kids may become so frustrated by their disabilities that they lash out verbally at classmates, parents, or other adults.
Mental Health Disorders
Research shows that 1 in 5 young people between the ages of 9 and 17 has a diagnosable mental health disorder that causes some form of impairment. Verbally abusive patterns with family members, friends, and other adults can be a symptom of a mental health disorder such as bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), depression, and/or anxiety.
Strategies for Coping with a Verbally Abusive Teenager
Parents dealing with abusive children shouldn’t wait for their son or daughter to grow out of it. Left unaddressed, verbal abuse can escalate into physical abuse or property abuse. And teens may start directing verbal abuse toward peers as well as parents.
Facing the issue head on with appropriate discipline is imperative. But abusive teenagers need more than discipline alone. Here are some of the best ways to cope with a verbally abusive teenager.
Clarify What Constitutes Verbal Abuse
Believe it or not, teenagers may not fully grasp that their criticism, name-calling, and threats are forms of verbal abuse. When your teen isn’t throwing a tantrum or engaging in a power trip, initiate a calm, heart-to-heart conversation. Identify what constitutes verbal abuse in your home. This may be the wakeup call a teen needs.
Set Boundaries and Identify Consequences
Explain that no matter how stressed out or frustrated your teen is, you won’t tolerate verbal abuse. For example, tell your teen that the next time they yell or swear at you, you’ll promptly walk away. Identify the consequences for overstepping these boundaries—and stick with them. If you set boundaries and don’t hold to them, your teen won’t take you seriously.
Teach Coping Skills
Setting boundaries and giving consequences for abusive behavior are essential. But they’re ultimately not enough. Parents need to help their children understand that stress and frustration are inevitable in life. And there are more constructive ways to deal with their anger. Breathing techniques and mindfulness meditation are good ways to cool down. You can also teach them to walk away from an argument if they feel they are at risk of becoming abusive.
Seek Professional Help
If you’re dealing with a verbally abusive teenager, consider a mental health assessment. A therapist can help identify underlying issues and recommend the right level of care for your teen. Depending on their behaviors and issues, that might be weekly therapy, outpatient programming, or residential treatment.
How Therapy Can Address Verbally Abusive Behavior
Family counseling can give teens and parents a safe place to express their true feelings. With the guidance of a professionally trained family counselor, parents and children can work through built-up anger and resentment. Therapists can also share parenting tips and behavior modification techniques.
In the process, the family unit begins to mend. With hope and trust restored, adolescents with mental health issues feel more comfortable reaching out to parents for support.
Mental health disorders have deep roots. That’s why teens struggling with mental health issues also benefit from individual therapy. By maintaining objectivity and compassion, therapists can help teens heal from the underlying issues that prompt and exacerbate their verbal abuse.
Teen and Family Treatment at Newport Academy
At Newport Academy, our family-centered approach helps teens and their parents rebuild trust and strengthen their communication skills. Together, they can process unresolved trauma and learn healthy coping strategies.
More specifically, teens in our residential and outpatient treatment programs benefit from:
- Individual, group, and family therapy with a team of clinicians who specialize in adolescent mental health
- Experiential therapies such as art, music, and yoga
- Medication management with our experienced psychiatrists
- Support in building self-esteem and self-worth
- Counseling to gain and practice positive coping skills
- Individualized instruction to keep them on track with their academic goals
- A robust alumni program that helps keeps them connected with a caring support system after discharge
Contact us today to learn more about our teen treatment and our family-focused clinical model.
Frequently Asked Questions
Sources
J Child Adolesc Trauma. 2016 Apr; 9:1-10.
