Being a teenager is challenging—and so is being the parent of a teenager. When a teenager’s behavior becomes rebellious, defiant, and unruly, parenting them can be very difficult. Although teenage defiance is a natural part of human development, figuring out how to deal with a defiant teenager can be frustrating and confusing.
But defiant teens are not just trying to make parents angry. Defiance is often a sign that they need more support from parents or a mental health professional. There may be underlying mental health issues or problems they don’t know how to cope with. At Newport Academy, we provide treatment and support for teens and families to get the help they need to deal with defiant behavior.
Key Takeaways
- Defiant behavior, while a natural part of adolescent development, can become a problem for parents and teens alike.
- Signs of defiant behavior include frequent irritability, arguing, resentment, breaking rules, overstepping boundaries, mean comments, and angry outbursts.
- Causes of defiant behavior may be underlying mental health issues or distress such as depression, anxiety, trauma, bullying, issues with peers, or feeling overly controlled.
- Helping a teen with defiant behavior can include treatment programs for the whole family system that involve treating the underlying root causes of the defiant behavior.
Signs of a Defiant Teen
Teenage angst is common among high schoolers, but defiance can be more difficult for parents to navigate. If defiance is extreme, it can be a sign of underlying confusion, anger, pain, or a mental health disorder.
A defiant teen may exhibit the following behaviors:
- Breaking rules
- Overstepping boundaries and limits
- Having angry outbursts
- Becoming easily annoyed or irritated
- Arguing and talking back
- Making snide, rude, or sarcastic comments
These behaviors can be a sign that a teen is demonstrating defiance and may need some extra support.
What Causes Defiant Teenage Behavior?
Here are some of the reasons why teens may act defiantly and get out of control.
Developmental stage
While it can be very frustrating for the whole family, teenage defiance is a normal part of adolescent development. During this phase of their development, they are likely to rebel against their parents and engage in risky behaviors such as substance use or unprotected sex. Moodiness and defiance are normal parts of developing autonomy and independence, to an extent. However, defiant teenage behavior can leave parents feeling out of control and at their wit’s end.
Feelings of rejection
A teen may act defiantly if they think nothing they ever do will be good enough. When parents love and respect their children unconditionally, kids learn that they can be themselves no matter what. But if parents criticize or judge their teen, the child may internalize feelings of shame and unworthiness. They may feel that they need to be perfect in order to earn their parents’ love, setting them up for failure. This can create feelings of fear, anger, loneliness, and sadness, and can increase defiant behaviors.
Frustration with being controlled
Defiant teenage behavior may also stem from teens feeling controlled and frustrated. Ongoing power struggles between teens and parents can become a source of stress and tension. If parents ask their child to clean their messy room or to be home by a certain time of day, the teenager may feel that their parents are trying to control their every action. In response, they become defiant.
Questions?
We know that reaching out can be difficult.
Our compassionate team of experts is here to help.
Call us at 877-929-5105
or complete the form below.
Struggles outside the home
Teens may exhibit defiant behavior might be that they need support with something that’s distressing them unrelated to the family dynamic. If they are being bullied at school, for instance, they may act out the same behavior at home by picking on a sibling or being rude to parents. They might also be struggling with academics, dealing with peer or friendship conflicts, or feeling isolated.
An underlying mental health issue
Additionally, defiant teenage behavior may be a symptom of a deeper mental health issue, such as anxiety, depression, trauma, or ODD. A teen may be diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) if their behavior is defiant beyond a normal or healthy degree. A child who has ODD typically feels controlled or smothered, and their behavior can be a revolt against that. Research shows that ODD may be more common in children whose parents struggle with anxiety or depression, but it can be caused by other factors as well.
What’s the Difference Between a Defiant Teen and Teen ODD?
The main difference between defiant behavior and ODD in teens is that defiance related to ODD is repeated, intense, and ongoing. Typical defiant behavior may include power struggles with a parent, but not purposely spiteful or hurtful behavior. Defiant teens usually take responsibility for their actions once they have calmed down. If a defiant child swears at their parent and slams the door in their face, they may later approach them to apologize.
ODD, on the other hand, constitutes repeated hostile and uncooperative behavior against parents and other adults. ODD often develops early on in a child’s life, typically during their prepubescent years. It’s characterized by failing to take accountability for one’s actions and being purposely hurtful or defiant.
Signs of ODD in young people include:
- Purposely hurtful behavior
- Frequent questioning of authority
- Refusal to comply with rules
- Anger and resentment
- Excessive arguing with adults
- Spiteful and mean attitude
- Seeking revenge for perceived wrongdoings
- Blaming others for their behavior
10 Tips for How to Parent a Defiant Teenager
Teenage defiance can be a difficult and frustrating part of teen development for parents. You may start to think you’re making progress with them, only to wake up the next day and suddenly feel like your relationship has taken a hit. Because teens are constantly changing and growing, parents of defiant teens need to stay patient, remain calm, and model clear boundaries.
These tips can help guide you in parenting a defiant teenager.
Honor your defiant teen’s feelings
Defiant behavior from a teen often indicates an underlying fear or problem they’re experiencing. Instead of reacting only to their external behavior, try to look beneath it and understand where they’re coming from. Acknowledge and validate how your teen is feeling, even if you believe their reaction is overblown.
Reinforce positive behaviors
Teens want to feel appreciated for the things they’re doing right. If you only pay attention to the things they do wrong, it will feel pointless for them to follow the house rules. If you see your teenage son doing something you’ve asked him to do or behaving in a way that’s consistent with the house rules, acknowledge it. Thank him for whatever he’s done, even if it’s small.
Establish clear boundaries
Set boundaries and limits and make them clear to your teen. Be consistent about the behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. If your defiant teen starts to shout and call you names, for example, you can tell them that anger is okay but that it’s inappropriate and disrespectful for them to call you names.
Enforce consequences for poor behavior
When they overstep established boundaries or limits, enforce consequences by disciplining a defiant teen. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Punishment comes from a place of anger and wanting a child to do what you say because you say so. Positive discipline, on the other hand, comes from a place of mutual respect, clarity, and kindness. Research shows that that children have better mental health and higher self-esteem when they’re raised with a parenting style that is warm and accepting while also setting clear expectations.
Pick your battles
Teens need to be allowed to make their own decisions and express themselves in ways that feel good for them. If you nitpick everything your defiant teen does, they will learn that nothing they do is ever good enough. Avoid setting rules about their clothing choices, appearance, or other expressions of their individuality. Instead, choose your battles wisely. Put consistent boundaries around behaviors that are unsafe, cruel, or disrespectful, and let smaller issues go.
Allow defiant teens to regain privileges
When your teenage daughter breaks a house rule and you enforce a consequence, she learns that her actions can have undesirable consequences. But if those consequences are too harsh or rigid, she might give up entirely and behave even more defiantly. Instead of enforcing inflexible consequences, allow her to regain her privileges and independence through improved behavior. For example, if you’ve taken her phone away because she skipped homework to hang out with friends, give her a way to earn it back—for example, doing her homework on time every night for a week.
Involve your defiant teen in making house rules
Teens want to be understood, respected, and heard. Make it clear that your house rules reflect your family’s values—things like kindness, compassion, and honesty. Ask your defiant teenage daughter how she wants to be treated in the house. Then, use her input to shape the rules and boundaries of the household. Knowing she has a say in this process can help her feel safe and heard.
Model the behaviors you preach
Parents sometimes expect their children to do what they say regardless of their own actions. But if a parent tells their defiant teen to do one thing while they themselves do something else, teens are sure to notice that and become even more defiant. For example, if one of your house rules is not to yell at one another, but you and your spouse yell at each other regularly, your teen will see this behavior as hypocritical. Be consistent with the rules, and make sure all family members follow them.
Stay calm
It can be very difficult to remain calm when dealing with a teen’s defiant behavior. But if you respond to their defiance with an outburst of anger, they will likely only double down in their defiant behaviors. If one or both of you is too activated or angry to respond calmly, take some space until you cool off. You can say something like, “I can see we’re both really angry, and I want both of us to take some time to cool off before we talk about this.” Then set a time to come back to the discussion when you can both think more clearly.
Be consistent
Be consistent with your boundaries, rules, and parenting strategies. If you are a co-parent (either in the same household or in separate households) make sure you are both on the same page. If one parent is less firm with their boundaries than another, a defiant teen will see this and may try to use it to their advantage. For example, they might go to the parent they know is more lenient to try and avoid being disciplined. This teenage manipulative behavior can pit parents against one another and cause more issues for the whole family.
Treatment Programs for Dealing with a Defiant Teenager
Parents have multiple options when looking into defiant teenager programs. While some may feel compelled to choose something like a military program or a boot camp, these options may not be best for the child’s mental health. These types of schools for defiant teenagers address the bad behaviors, but they don’t usually address the underlying issues that are causing the behaviors.
Ultimately, schools for defiant teenagers that don’t uncover and heal the underlying root causes of defiant behaviors can backfire. Many boarding schools or military programs use punitive measures to blot out unwanted behaviors, rather than teaching teens healthy ways to cope with their underlying distress. They can cause a teen to suppress their emotions, resulting in worse mental health issues.
Other types of defiant teenager programs may be more beneficial for treating underlying root causes of defiant behavior. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and family therapy are both proven to be effective in addressing ODD and other defiance issues. Programs that use these therapeutic modalities can help teens make healthier choices, communicate their needs, strengthen their connection with parents, and cope with underlying problems.
Newport Academy’s Approach to Addressing Defiant Behavior
At Newport Academy, we treat the whole family system, not just one individual. Teen and family therapy at Newport Academy offers a caring approach that meets teens and families where they are and addresses root issues, not just symptoms.
Treatment gives teens time to pull back the layers and understand what’s really going on beneath their defiant behaviors. Once adolescents and families clearly see the issues that lie beneath a teen’s defiant behaviors, we support them on the journey to sustainable healing and stronger family connections.
Contact us today to begin healing ruptures in your parent-child relationship and creating greater harmony in the whole family system.
Sources
J Psychol Behavior Studies. 2021 Dec; 1: 41–46.
Front. Psychol. 2021 Oct; 12: 10.3389.
J Psychiatr Res. 2021 Jun; 138: 53–59.
Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2017; 10: 353–367.
