Why Failure Is Healthy for Teens

Nobody likes to fail. But for a teenager, failure can feel like devastation.

When your ego and identity are still forming, what might seem like small failures to others can cause heartbreak and self-blaming for teens. Whether it’s rejection by someone they’re crushing on, a poor score on the SATs, or a loss in a varsity game, teenagers take failure hard.

However, the truth is that failure can offer much greater life lessons than success. But first, teens have to learn how to face failure head on. And as a parent, you have to learn to let them.

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What You’ll Learn

• Why is failure so scary for teens?
• Why should you let your kids fail sometimes?
• What is the 85 percent rule?
• How can you help your teen cope after failure?

Quick Read

Many teens experience a fear of failure, known as atychiphobia, which can stem from various pressures, including high parental expectations, the desire to present a perfect image on social media, and academic challenges that intensify during the college application process. This anxiety can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and self-doubt, making it difficult for them to cope with setbacks. However, research suggests that failure can actually be beneficial for learning and personal growth.

The Eighty-Five Percent Rule for Optimal Learning indicates that encountering failure can highlight areas for improvement and motivate teens to seek help when needed. Failure encourages growth, promotes resilience, fosters critical thinking, and prevents overwhelm by allowing teens to explore new ideas without the fear of needing to be perfect. By accepting that it’s okay to fail sometimes, teens can develop a healthier approach to challenges and learning.

Parents often want to shield their children from discomfort, but doing so can hinder their development of essential problem-solving skills. Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, emphasizes that helicopter parenting can deprive children of valuable lessons learned through overcoming challenges. By allowing kids to experience setbacks, parents can help them build confidence and resilience, essential traits for navigating life’s obstacles.

Creating a safe space for failure is crucial. Parents should normalize failure by sharing their own experiences and emphasizing that it’s a natural part of life. Praising effort rather than just results encourages a growth mindset, while problem-solving together can help teens learn from their mistakes. It’s important to set realistic goals and celebrate small wins, reinforcing the idea that perseverance and resilience are key to success. By fostering these qualities, parents can empower their children to embrace challenges and learn from their experiences.

Why Is Failure So Scary for Teens?

There’s a word that means “fear of failure”: atychiphobia. Understandably, few teens are familiar with that word, but many of them experience it every day.

Why are teens so driven to succeed and so anxious about not achieving everything they set out to do? There are many reasons, including:

• Wanting to meet parents’ high expectations
• Desire to present a “perfect life” on social media
• Academic pressure, starting as early as middle school and becoming particularly challenging during the college application process
• Concern that they won’t be able to find a good job

Balancing Failure and Achievement  

As a parent to an adolescent, it’s likely you’ve heard your teen utter the phrases, “I’m not good enough!” or “Everyone’s better than me!” or “Why should I even bother trying?” Failing, or the fear of failing can cause teens to feel a number of emotions, including disappointment, frustration, shame, sadness, anger, and self-doubt.

While it’s difficult to watch your child experience setbacks, research shows that failure can be a good thing. In fact, a study called “The Eighty Five Percent Rule for Optimal Learning,” defines what they call a “sweet spot” for learning. The authors say when a challenge is too easy, we don’t learn anything new. The same goes for challenges that are so difficult that we fail or give up.

Hence, when you’re trying to learn something new, you should aim to understand about 85 percent of the material before moving on to the next topic.

What Teens Learn from Failure

So, can failure be a good thing? Yes, absolutely. In fact, taking principles from the Eighty-Five Percent Rule, failing 15 percent of the time can actually be beneficial for teens for several reasons:

Encourages Growth: Experiencing failure or not fully understanding something can highlight areas where your child needs to improve. This can motivate them to focus more on a particular area or even ask for tutoring if they need assistance.

Promotes Resilience: Learning to cope with failure helps build resilience. It teaches teens that setbacks are a natural part of the learning process and that you can bounce back from them.

Fosters Critical Thinking: When teens encounter challenges or gaps in their understanding, it encourages them to think critically and problem-solve on their own.

Prevents Overwhelm: Striving for perfection can lead to frustration and burnout. This can cause teens to act out or cope in unhealthy ways. Accepting that it’s okay to not know everything allows your teen to maintain a more positive approach to learning.

Encourages Exploration: When you recognize that you don’t have to master every detail, you may feel more free to explore new ideas, take risks, and try different approaches without the fear of failing.

Why Parents Should Let Kids Fail

More than anything, parents want to protect their children from discomfort and pain, whether physical or emotional. Yet, by keeping hardships at bay, you deprive your child of the sense of confidence and empowerment that’s created by overcoming a challenge.

Read “How Parents Can Navigate Teen Independence.”

In her book The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, Jessica Lahey argues that helicopter parenting has resulted in young people who lack the essential skills for solving their own problems. She says, “Out of love and desire to protect our children’s self-esteem, we have bulldozed every uncomfortable bump and obstacle out of their way, clearing the manicured path we hoped would lead to success and happiness. Unfortunately, in doing so we have deprived our children of the most important lessons of childhood.”

The Key Is How We React to Failure

Teens can find success in failure when they use it as a learning experience and have the courage to move forward with greater strength. Furthermore, what matters most is how they respond to what they perceive as failure. Therefore, as a parent you need to be aware of this when supporting them through challenging experiences.

If you’re a parent or teacher, observe how your child or student reacts to failure. Then ask yourself these questions:

• Do they give up rather than trying again?
• Are there certain activities they avoid out of fear of failure?
• When they have a setback, do they blame others? Or do they shame themselves?
• Do they only stick with activities they know they are good at?
• Do they avoid thinking about why something was difficult or didn’t work out as they wanted it to?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then your teen may need to reframe how they’re looking at failure.

The Power of Grit

When we work toward a goal, experience failure, and keep on going, we’re building what’s known as grit.

Researcher Angela Duckworth defines grit as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.” Her work has shown that people who possess grit are more successful over time. Furthermore, grit is a better predictor of success than talent. But the important word here is long-term: It may be necessary to fall down and get up, again and again, in order to eventually achieve those goals.

New Ways to Normalize Failure

Some colleges and businesses are trying to find new ways to normalize the common human experience of failing. For example, Stanford’s Resilience Project uses personal storytelling, events, programs, and academic skills coaching to motivate and support students as they experience normal setbacks. The project’s goal is to “help change the perception of failure from something to be avoided at all costs, to something that has meaning, purpose, and value.”

At Smith College, a program called “Failing Well” aims to increase resilience by reminding students that failure is part of the learning process. Therefore, students and professors discuss failure, risk-taking, and mistakes, and participants earn a “Certificate of Failure” when they complete the course.

Using failure as a path to growth is catching on in the business world, too. Thus, in 2009, a group of entrepreneurs founded FailCon, a one-day conference designed for sharing stories of what didn’t work, and studying how those failures can generate greater success.

Developing a Growth Mindset

Grit is closely related to what Carol Dweck calls the “growth mindset.” People with a growth mindset see their abilities and intelligence as things that can be developed, rather than remaining fixed no matter what they do. Moreover, they see failure as a way to develop their abilities.

Dweck’s research shows that the way parents praise their children between the ages of one and three significantly impacts their mindset later in life. Specifically, children who are praised for their intelligence tend to become anxious about making mistakes. But when children are praised for their effort and persistence, they are more likely to enjoy pushing through difficulties.

Cultivating a Growth Mindset

According to Dweck, it is possible to move from a fixed mindset (when you believe your talents and abilities are limited) to a growth mindset. Here are her three steps to cultivating a growth mindset.

1. Recognize that you can choose how you react to setbacks. You can interpret failures and criticism as signs that you are lacking, or you can see them as opportunities to stretch yourself.
2. Let the optimism of your growth mindset conquer the self-doubt of your fixed mindset. Remind yourself that most successful people experienced failure along the way, and that you can take responsibility and move forward.
3. Take action according to the growth mindset. Choose to take on challenges and learn from your setbacks.

How to Help Your Teen Cope with Failure

Create a Safe Space for Failure

Foster an environment where your child feels safe to take risks and make mistakes without fear of harsh criticism or punishment. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and experiences related to . They may be upset that they didn’t make the varsity team or didn’t get the lead in the school play. Whatever is it, listen actively and validate their emotions without judgment.

Normalize Failure

Help your child understand that failure is a normal part of life and learning. Share your own experiences with failure. Let them know that you too were upset, frustrated, sad—whatever you were feeling at the time. Then share how you worked through those emotions, what you learned from the experience, and how you pushed through.

Praise Effort, Not Just Results

Praise your child for their effort and hard work rather than just the outcome. This reinforces the idea that giving something your all is important, regardless of the result. This is a great opportunity to encourage a growth mindset. Teach your child that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. Emphasize that challenges and failures are opportunities for growth.

Problem-Solve Together

Help your child understand what went wrong and brainstorm ways to improve in the future. Do they need more practice? Do they need a tutor for a particular subject area? Be sure not to criticize or make them feel bad about the failed attempt during the process. They need to feel supported and encouraged to try again.

Perfection Is Not the Goal

Ensure that your child understands that they shouldn’t be aiming for perfection. This can cause them to feel anxious about approaching new challenges or they may want to avoid them altogether. Rather, help them set achievable goals that allow for mistakes and learning along the way.

Encourage Resilience

Teach your child coping strategies for dealing with setbacks, such as taking a break, practicing mindfulness, or going for a walk. Additionally, support your child in trying new activities or pursuing interests that may be outside their comfort zone. This can help them learn to handle uncertainty and develop confidence in their abilities.

Celebrate Small Wins

Acknowledge and celebrate small successes and improvements, along the way. Building the courage and confidence to try new things and accept new challenges is one of the most rewarding parts of life. And having you there to encourage and support them along the way make it that much better.

Mental Health Support for Teens

Major setbacks in life can impact mental health. If your teen needs support getting through a tough period that is causing depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns, we’re here to help. Our program serves children ages 7–11 and teens ages 12–18. Our compassionate team of experts understands the unique needs of children and adolescents and utilizes evidence-based practices to uncover the underlying cause of trauma. Contact us today to learn more.

Sources:

Nat Commun 10, 4646 (2019)

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9, 1087-1101.