“Help, my teen hates me!” That’s not an uncommon sentiment to hear from parents of adolescents. Maybe your teen has said as much. Or maybe they’re showing you how they feel by ignoring your requests or advice, or by flashing you looks of contempt and eye rolls. They escalate conflicts, explode, and slam doors.
What can you do when it seems like your teen despises you? How can you engage when they’re always pushing you away?
There are various reasons why your teenager may respond to you with disdain or agitation. Looking deeper into possible causes and trying different approaches can lead to more positive interactions and a path forward. In this article, we’ll share some communication tips to get your relationship with your teen back on track.
What You’ll Learn
- Why do teens hate their parents?
- How do I improve communication with my teen?
- When should I seek professional help for my teen?
- What are some mental health warning signs in teens?
Quick Read
Many parents feel that their teens harbor resentment towards them, often expressed through negative attitudes and rebellious behavior. This can stem from the emotional and physiological changes teens experience as they seek independence while grappling with pressures from social media, academics, and identity formation. These factors can lead to misunderstandings, anger, and even mental health issues, making it crucial for parents to remain engaged and supportive.
To improve communication, parents should avoid taking their teen’s behavior personally and practice active listening. Engaging in low-pressure activities together can create a safe space for dialogue. If troubling behaviors arise, such as aggression or isolation, seeking professional help is essential. Awareness of mental health symptoms is also important, as many teens face conditions like anxiety and depression. Support from professionals can guide both parents and teens toward healthier relationships and coping strategies.
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Why Do Teens Hate Their Parents?
The curve from childhood to adulthood is filled with physiological and emotional changes. As they grow older, teens have more experiences and exposure to the harsher side of the world. They start craving independence without fully understanding the burden of responsibility that comes with it. This is why teens often see their parents as a barrier to independence instead of recognizing how their parents are trying to protect them and help them grow.
Today’s teens are also dealing with overstimulation and excessive exposure from social media, which can lead to the fear of missing out (FOMO), anxiety, and depression. They may encounter or even seek out subject matter or substances that are not age appropriate, which can lead to confusion, disorientation, and even addiction. An inability to express their feelings clearly, or even understand what they’re feeling, can come out in anger, rage, or hatred—which may not actually be directed at you.
Teens are also trying to handle the growing pressure to perform academically, in sports, and socially. They are learning what it means to form an identity and carve out a place in the world. They often have underdeveloped emotional regulation skills—in addition to hormonal shifts—that can frequently result in outbursts. Some teens may even be spiraling toward a mental health condition without really understanding the signs or symptoms.
Improving Communication with Your Teen
When your teen screams that they hate you, blows you off, does the opposite of what you ask, disobeys, rages at you, or ruins a family event, it can be difficult to keep your cool. When their attacks get personal, you might fire back in an unfiltered way.
Your teen’s behavior may seem overdramatic, inexplicable, and offensive to you. You may find it a struggle to enjoy being around your teen as you wonder what has gone wrong.
It’s important to remember that teenagers are in a fluid state of being, and you’re the adult in the room (literally). Who they’ll become is still taking shape, and you can help them navigate their current season of chaos before they make decisions that they’ll regret.
Better yet, you can help them recover from decisions they’ve already made. Here are some ways you can respond to your teen’s behavior that can change the equation for their future:
Don’t take things personally.
Wounded pride will keep you from paying attention to what’s really going on with your teen. You may not deserve what they’re dishing out, and your feelings may be very hurt, but refuse the temptation to disengage.
Your child is still your child — and they need you more than ever. Focus on staying calm and consider the big picture of what might be affecting your teen.
Practice being present.
If you’ve tried to engage but your teen won’t talk to you, that doesn’t mean you should give up; a different approach may be necessary. Teens will rarely open up if confronted. They need time and space to feel safe—to feel like you are actually listening and won’t react poorly to what they have to say.
Invite them to do low-impact activities with you, such as shopping, fishing, cooking, hiking, gardening, or working a puzzle. Consider activities where you can be physically beside your teen, not opposite them.
Remember that silence isn’t bad. If they won’t talk, you can share what’s going on with you, what you’re dealing with, and what you care about. They’re always watching and listening to how you respond to situations in life. When they do decide to talk, you’ll be ready.
Be an active listener.
When your teen does open up, don’t just sit there in silence. Be attentive without interrupting. When you respond, repeat some of their statements back to them: “What I hear you saying is…” When you echo their comments and emotional state, they’ll know they’ve been heard.
Read: 5 Essential Active Listening Tips for Parents
Apologize.
If you say or do something wrong, come back to your teen and apologize. It speaks volumes about your ability to admit that you could have handled something differently.
You can even apologize when you feel sorry, even if you’re not to blame: “I’m sorry if it sounded like I was criticizing you.” Tell them what your intent is—how you care for them and want them to thrive, but you don’t always do everything right.
Be open to feedback and offer support.
Acknowledge to your teen that you know you’re not getting along, but that you want things to be better between the two of you. Ask them, “What can I do differently?”
Explain that you want them to be equipped for life as an independent adult. Ask them, “How can I help you reach your goals?” If they don’t have a clear answer yet, tell them that you’re on their team and that you’re ready to listen whenever they have ideas.
If you try these things and your teen still won’t engage, you can always get support from a treatment professional. Having a professional third party involved can provide solutions and a new path forward.
When to Seek Professional Help
You may be at a point where your teen is starting to exhibit troubling behavior that is becoming more extreme. Here’s what that might look like:
- Threats of violence toward you or others
- Self-harm, threats of self-harm, or talk of suicide
- Isolation
- Change of social group, cutting off family or former friends
- Destroying property
- Becoming physically aggressive
- Stealing
- Lying or manipulative behavior
- Substance use
- Increased risk-taking behaviors
- Obsession with self-image or social media
- Frequent explosive outbursts
If your teen is exhibiting these signs, it’s time to get treatment professionals involved. Your teen may be dealing with an addiction or mental health issue that needs to be addressed. Dismissing or demonizing your teen, ignoring the signs, or thinking that these behaviors are just temporary can result in a crisis situation.
Mental Health Symptoms to Watch For in Your Teen
Even if your teen is not engaged in extreme behavior, they may be dealing with symptoms of a mental health condition. In 2023, the National Survey of Children’s Health reported that more than 5 million teens between the ages of 12–17 had a current diagnosed mental or behavioral health condition—1 in 5 adolescents. The most common conditions were anxiety (16 percent) and depression (8 percent).
Here are some mental health symptoms to watch for in your teen:
- Extreme mood swings
- Excessive crying or fits of rage
- Fatigue or lethargy
- Insomnia or restlessness
- Serious changes in appetite
- Obsessive behavior
- Intrusive negative thoughts
- Avoidance of certain people, places, or things
- Frequent spiraling or worst-case-scenario thinking
- Thoughts of death or suicide
- Self-harming behaviors
- Social isolation or withdrawing
- Apathy or loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy
- Memory problems or confusion
- Intense sadness
- Hyperactivity and rapid speech
- Dramatic highs and lows
- A deep sense of hopelessness or worthlessness
- Panic attacks
If your teen is showing these signs, get in touch with their primary care physician and a therapist. Some medical conditions or medications can cause mental health symptoms. But if there’s no physical cause for their symptoms, they may benefit from talking with a therapist.
Mental Health Treatment for Teens
At Newport Academy, we help children ages 7–11 and teens ages 12–18 who are struggling with mental health issues, substance use, and behavioral problems. Our expert staff tailors treatment to the specific needs of each child.
Strengthening family connection and communication is the foundation of our treatment model, and we incorporate family therapy into every treatment plan. In these sessions, licensed therapists help repair relationships within the family unit and provide tools for effective communication that carry through long after treatment ends.
Our compassionate approach can offer your teen the opportunity to navigate mental health symptoms, rediscover their authentic self, and learn to thrive again. Contact us today to learn more.
