Grief is a complicated emotion that comes in many forms and manifests in many different ways. Our culture tends to associate grief with adult emotional processes.
But the loss of a parent, sibling, or close friend, can have a significant impact on a teen. Teens do not have the life experience or developmental growth to process grief in the same way as adults.
Some young people can become overwhelmed with the emotions of grief and turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain and suffering. Understanding how teens express grief will help you better support your teen during this difficult time. It is critical that teens find alternative ways to soothe the pain for sustainable, long-term healing.
Key Takeaways
- One in 12 US children will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18.
- Teens process grief differently than adults because they don’t fully understand their emotions or what is a “normal” response.
- Parents and guardians can play a powerful role in helping teens heal from grief using healthy coping skills.
- Without a strong support system and healthy coping skills, teens may turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the natural response someone feels to a loss, whether that is a death of a loved one or pet, the loss of a job, or other significant trauma, such as divorce or natural disaster. Grief is the emotional response to anything that challenges our “normal” existence and daily life. While everyone grieves loss differently, and in their own time, there are typically five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
The National Cancer Institute makes an important distinction between bereavement and grief. After a tragic event, the sadness and depression that you feel are part of bereavement. Grief is the emotional cycle you go through as you react to bereavement and try to resume your normal life.
Causes of Teen Grief
In addition to losing a parent or sibling, there are many other reasons a teenager may experience grief. Grief may follow the death of someone close to them. However, grief is not always the result of a death. Ending a friendship or romantic relationship can require a period of sadness and mourning.
Moreover, changes or disruptions to daily life at home can cause teens to grieve. For example, teens who are moving to a new location away from their school and friends can experience a deep sense of loss. The pain of grief can also be felt when there is a divorce or an unexpected separation of the family.
Teens and Parental Loss
According to the National Alliance for Children’s Grief, one in 12 (6 million) children in the US will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18. The number more than doubles to those who will be bereaved by age 25 (14.7 million). In a poll of children and teens grieving the death of a parent or sibling, results point to family and friends as being the most helpful support through the grieving process. Other top coping strategies included listening to music, staying busy, attending a grief group, and talking with others who have experienced grief.
The survey also revealed how children and teens coped with losing a parent:
- 39 percent had difficulty sleeping.
- 45 percent found it hard to concentrate on school work.
- 41 percent said that they have acted in ways that they knew might not be good for them, either physically, mentally or emotionally.
- 34 percent admitted saying hurtful things to others after the death.
- 47 percent believe their life will be harder than it will be for other people.
A New York Life Foundation survey of grieving children and their families, showed that 72 percent of young people said they didn’t know how to express their feelings after the loss.
Moreover, only 25 percent said that their school was prepared to help them when they returned to class. The majority of those surveyed (75 percent) believe schools play a pivotal role in supporting grieving students, therefore should be better prepared with grief resources and services.
Questions?
We know that reaching out can be difficult.
Our compassionate team of experts is here to help.
Call us at 877-929-5105
or complete the form below.
Help Your Teen Begin to Heal—One Day at a Time
How Teens Process Grief
For some adolescents, grieving may last only a few weeks. For others, the process may take years. It is important to know that teens may exhibit signs of grief differently than adults.
Signs of Grief in Teens
- Isolating themselves from friends, family, and social gatherings
- A feeling of numbness, not caring about anything
- Deep sadness or depression
- A loss of interest in activities they typically enjoy
- Difficulty concentrating
- Decline in academic performance
- Frequent mood swings (anger, sadness, frustration, irritability)
- Difficulty sleeping
- Acting out or engaging in risky behavior, including substance use
“Teens can become emotionally dysregulated when going through grief. They get angry, frustrated, and act out negative behaviors when they are hurting. Teens are quick to act negatively, and it takes them time to work through the grief and understand how it impacts them.”
Talkspace Therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC
Grief and Substance Use
Traumatic grief can have a powerful, life-changing effect on teens. Incidents that affect the whole community, like a weather disaster or an act of violence, can affect a teen’s sense of security. This can create feelings of helplessness and disbelief.
The loss of a parent is one of the most traumatic events that a child can experience. Many studies show that losing a parent is linked with increased risk for depression, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance use, and behavioral problems. The urge to self-medicate may occur not only right after a traumatic experience, but whenever a teenager is reminded of that event. Sights, sounds or odors may trigger painful feelings that are so strong that they frighten a teenager into drinking or using. Hence, trauma can have a huge impact.
In another study, adolescents with a substance use disorder (SUD) “reported 3-time higher rates of traumatic events, and a 5-time higher prevalence of PTSD following traumatic events.” Further, those with PTSD exhibited more severity with their SUD than in adolescents who hadn’t experienced a traumatic event.
The Danger of Self-Medicating
Self-medication is a dangerous solution for several reasons:
- Teenagers who take risks with alcohol or drugs are in danger of being injured or killed in an accident or altercation.
- Young people who use drugs or alcohol in response to trauma are at risk of suicide or an accidental overdose.
- Teens who self-medicate instead of seeking support may never learn why they respond to certain trauma triggers.
- Teenagers who aren’t treated for both grief and substance use are more likely to relapse.
- Young people who engage in substance use to numb their feelings may not develop emotionally or socially at the same rate as their sober peers.
- Adolescents who don’t learn healthy ways to cope with loss may never learn how to grieve without self-medicating.
The Family’s Role in Teen Grief
Families play a critical role in helping teens get through the grief cycle successfully. Parents or caregivers who disregard or belittle their teenager’s feelings may make the grieving experience even worse. By denying their teen the opportunity to learn how to handle bereavement, they are stunting growth.
In addition, a parent may let personal feelings of anger or resentment interfere with the way a teenager processes grief. After a hostile divorce, for instance, a mother may resent a teenager’s feelings of sadness at losing her father. Therefore, parents must try to keep their own feelings separate from a teenager’s grief.
Encouraging teenagers to talk about grief can help them. They need to learn to identify the reasons for their sadness, fear, or anger. But only if family members listen without interrupting or judging. As you listen, keep in mind that every teen’s response to loss is different. As a result of your obvious presence, your teen will open up.
What Not to Say
Try to avoid statements like:
- “This too shall pass.”
- “Everyone feels that way.”
- “We’ve all been through that, and we all get over it.”
- “Don’t dwell on negative feelings.”
- “Just try to think about something happier.”
Respecting Teen Feelings
A teenager’s need to grieve must be respected. Parents sometimes underestimate the depth of a teen’s response to a loss. This may be because they themselves aren’t emotionally attached to the person, place, or pet in question. A teenager who can’t get over the death of a beloved dog or who can’t adjust to a divorce may be told that he or she will “grow out of it.” Teenagers who are still growing emotionally and socially need guidance and wisdom from experienced, nonjudgmental adults. Consequently, compassion is key.
Families should provide support for a teen’s grief. Furthermore, if the sadness seems unjustified or out of proportion to the loss itself, support is still needed. If a teenager breaks up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, parents shouldn’t minimize her sadness by saying things like, “You were only dating for a few months,” or “Your grandmother was married for 60 years and didn’t cry like that when your grandfather died.” Above all, never downplay their grief.
Treatment Can Help
When grief leads to substance use, grief counseling and substance use treatment may be the best approach for your teen’s long-term healing. Teenagers who’ve turned to self-medication after a traumatic loss may isolate from family members. Therefore, working with medical and mental health professionals may provide the neutral space teens need to feel comfortable enough to share their feelings.
At Newport Academy, our caring staff can help teens uncover the cause of their grief and identify the triggers that prompt them to turn to alcohol or drugs for comfort. Through individual, group and family therapy, they will learn how to replace self-destructive behavior with new, positive ways to cope with their intense feelings.
Our Clinical Model
At Newport Academy, each teen’s tailored treatment plan incorporates medical and psychiatric care, clinical therapy, family therapy, experiential modalities, and strength-based academics. Involving the family in treatment is essential to establish open lines of communication and repair any broken bonds. It is important to learn healthy ways to heal from a traumatic loss as a family.
Types of Therapies at Newport Academy
Individual therapy
Individual therapy helps teens uncover and heal the trauma and attachment wounds that are causing them to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Exploring the root causes of painful feelings can be extremely difficult and distressing for teens. Therefore, developing a trusting relationship with a therapist can provide the comfort they need to share what they are experiencing.
At Newport Academy, we use a wide range of evidence-based modalities in individual therapy with teenagers, including:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)–informed skills
- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
- Motivational Interviewing
- Relational Trauma Repair
Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT)
ABFT is the first adolescent family therapy designed to target family processes associated with teen depression and suicide. ABFT reduces depression and suicidal behavior in adolescents by repairing ruptured parent-child bonds. Once the connection and trust between the adolescent and parents has been strengthened, the teen feels safe going to their parent for support when they are struggling.
You are Not Alone
Grieving teenagers need guidance and support from compassionate adults. The experienced professionals at Newport Academy can help you decide the best path for your teen. Children aren’t born knowing how to grieve; it’s an emotional process that must be learned. Teens who have the right coping skills will be able to respond to death, separation, or trauma in healthier ways that promote sustained healing well into adulthood.
