Am I doing enough for my kid? How will my parents judge how I’m raising my child? Is my parenting a failure because my kid needs extra support?
These thoughts ring loudly for parents and caregivers who want the best for their child. And for many parents, the holiday season can bring additional pressure to do everything “just right”—the overly adorned tree in the living room, the cute matching PJs, and the time-intensive holiday feast.
These high expectations can lead to a case of parental perfectionism: The feeling that you have to get everything perfect or risk letting your child down. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Parenting under the holiday spotlight can feel like walking a tightrope, balancing expectations from all sides and falling into guilt spirals when things don’t go as planned.
The good news? You don’t have to be perfect to give your child or yourself a joyful holiday experience. In fact, embracing imperfection—the “good enough” approach—can create a loving connection, reduce stress, and build resilience for your whole family.
In this article, psychiatrist Sogand Ghassemi, MD, with Newport’s PrairieCare division, breaks down five practical ways to shift away from perfectionism and toward self-compassion and presence. Embracing a “good enough” holiday can be the key to enjoying the season in a more relaxed, meaningful way.
What You’ll Learn
- What is parental perfectionism?
- How does perfectionism affect mental health?
- What are five ways to be a “good enough” parent?
- How can you shift parental guilt into self-compassion?
Quick Read
The holiday season often brings joy, but also high expectations that can trigger parental perfectionism. This pressure can increase stress, guilt, and anxiety for both parents and children, making the season feel overwhelming rather than festive.
Research shows children don’t need perfect parents; they need caregivers who are consistently present and willing to reconnect after mistakes. Embracing a “good enough” approach means letting go of unrealistic standards and focusing on authentic connection, repair, and presence. This mindset reduces pressure and fosters resilience in the whole family.
Learn five practical ways to ease perfectionism during the holidays, including setting realistic expectations, modeling repair after missteps, and extending kindness inward. By prioritizing connection over perfection, you can create a warm, memorable holiday season that supports both your family’s well-being and your own.
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What Is Parental Perfectionism?
Parental perfectionism is the belief that you should be able to meet impossibly high standards as a caregiver. It can sound like, “I should never lose my cool,” “I should always know what my child needs,” or “If something goes wrong, it’s my fault.”
It often comes from a place of deep love and the desire for your child to feel as safe, supported, and happy as possible. Perfectionism in parenthood can also be reinforced by social pressure, endless online parenting advice, and comparison with other families, children, and parents. Over time, these expectations can make parenting feel like a test you’re constantly being graded on, rather than a relationship you’re allowed to grow into.
At its core, parental perfectionism is less about being organized or wanting things to go well, and more about feeling like anything less than perfect means you’re failing.
What Perfectionism in Parenthood Feels Like
Perfectionism in parenthood often shows up as pressure, even on good days.
It can feel like:
- Second-guessing decisions, such as wondering if the snack you gave your child was healthy enough, or if you handled the bedtime routine “the right way”
- Guilt that lingers, or replaying moments where you snapped, forgot something, or didn’t respond the way you wished you had
- Feeling like you’re supposed to hold everything together, even when you’re overwhelmed or running on empty
- Comparing yourself to other parents online, to other families at school drop-off, or even to your immediate family
- Thinking every misstep has a long-term impact, as though one rough morning will determine your child’s entire future
In real-life moments, it can sound like:
- “Why can’t I handle this better?”
- “Other parents would know what to do.”
- “I messed up because my kid doesn’t have good grades.”
Instead of allowing space for growth, perfectionism can make everyday parenting feel stressful and high stakes. It pulls you out of the present and into a constant loop of evaluation and worry.
Why Perfectionism in Parents Affects Mental Health
Kids don’t need parents and caregivers who never mess up. What really matters is that parents show up, keep trying, and come back together when things get off track.
Knowing that imperfection is part of the process can take the pressure off.
The Impact on Children
Children are highly sensitive to their parents’ emotional states. Studies have found that parental perfectionism can contribute to increased anxiety and lower self-esteem in children.
Parental perfectionism can also lead to harmful perfectionism with their children. When parents set unrealistic expectations in the family or react negatively to mistakes, children may believe they need to be perfect to be loved and to gain approval from those around them.
This pressure can affect kids’ emotional development and impact their independence. When they feel like it’s not okay to make mistakes, they may be less willing to take healthy risks and express vulnerability—which in turn limits their capacity to build resilience and stronger connections with those around them.
The Toll on Parents
Perfectionism tendencies are strongly associated with negative mental health outcomes in adults. Research indicates that individuals with high perfectionist traits are more likely to experience chronic stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms.
In another study, parents who try to be “perfect” and fall into the “culture of achievement” reported a higher risk of burnout (about 57 percent of parents). This strong emphasis on success and reaching goals is strongly associated with internal self-doubt (“Am I a good parent?”) and external pressures (“How will other parents perceive me?”)
Letting go of being perfect all the time can improve parents’ mental health and their family’s well-being—during the holidays and all year round. In fact, more free play time and fewer structured activities driven by expectations can reduce the risk of mental health challenges. So, during the holiday season when stress runs higher than usual, fostering greater self-compassion and a “good enough” mentality can uplift the whole family.
What Does It Mean to Be a “Good Enough” Parent?
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott was the first to introduce the concept that children don’t need perfect caregivers—they need what he called “good enough” parents. Psychiatrist Sogand Ghassemi, MD, Director of Perinatal Program Services at PrairieCare, echoes this, emphasizing that “Children don’t need flawless parents; they need reliably imperfect ones.”
At the core of being a “good enough” parent isn’t always knowing what to do or having a constant connection with your child—it’s the willingness to come back together with them. As Dr. Ghassemi explains, “What matters most is not constant perfection, but the willingness to notice, repair, and reconnect.” This cycle of repair is the foundation for healthy relationships.
Ultimately, healthy development arises not from perfection, but from the natural rhythms of connection, missing or misinterpreting feelings, and repair that unfold in everyday family life. Dr. Ghassemi highlights that, “it is through small missteps and the repairs that follow that children learn resilience and trust.”
5 Ways to Embrace Being a “Good Enough” Parent
Dr. Ghassemi offers five practical ways you can embrace “good enough” parenting during the holidays and into the year ahead. These principles highlight how everyday, imperfect moments can strengthen trust, resilience, and emotional safety for the entire family.
Dr. Ghassemi’s message to parents and caregivers is this: “Perfection is not the goal; connection is. The moments your child will remember are not the perfect meals or matching pajamas, but the warmth, laughter, and sense that you were there. Being “good enough,” even part of the time, builds the foundation for secure, confident children.”
1. Let go of the myth of constant connection.
If you’re juggling baking cookies, talking with relatives, or wrapping gifts, and you initially miss an emotional shift in your child, that’s okay. Find a small moment to reconnect, whether that’s a quiet moment together, a hug, or a debrief in the car.
Parenting culture often sends the message that if you don’t put your child’s needs first at every moment, you’re not a good parent. But research says that’s not necessarily true. In one study, when parents kept jumping in with instructions, corrections, or questions with their kids, they had a harder time managing their emotions and behavior. They also didn’t do as well on tasks that required waiting their turn, controlling impulses, or switching focus. And as a parent, you know it’s impossible to always be at their beck and call.
“Even partial connection, around 30 percent, nurtures secure attachment when followed by repair,” says Dr. Ghassemi. Children learn resilience not from flawless responsiveness, but from a natural flow of connection and communication. As long as misunderstanding is followed by reconnection, parents don’t always need to be joined at the hip with their kids to be a good support system.
2. Model repair.
Tense moments, rushed schedules, and mistakes are bound to happen during the whirlwind of the holidays—but how you respond to them is what matters.
If you snap at the family while you’re rushing out the door for a holiday gathering, apologizing for that reaction as soon as possible helps to repair any hurt. It also offers a powerful lesson in how relationships can recover when we acknowledge what happened and take responsibility.
“Saying, ‘I lost my patience, I’m sorry,’ teaches emotional safety more than perfect composure ever could,” says Dr. Ghassemi.
3. Set realistic expectations.
You’re ready to unload five plastic totes of holiday gear to provide the magic of the holidays. But this time, money and effort don’t necessarily bring the holiday warmth. Don’t stress about getting the perfect gift or having the best holiday decor on the block. Let the kids choose the decorations they want, or build a snowman outside and invite them into the joy of activity and collaboration.
Remember, it’s also tough for kids to live up to the high expectations of the holidays. For younger kids, trying to stay calm during the present unwrapping, not crying during photos, and avoiding too much sugar is hard. And for teens, trying to talk with distant relatives, not having as much time with friends, and being under more scrutiny by family can be tough. Instead, focus on steady care for your child and let go of the pressure. This creates space for authenticity and the holiday’s excitement.
Dr. Ghassemi backs this up. “Children thrive with ordinary, devoted care, not idealized performance,” she says. So next time you’re stressing out trying to design an Instagram-worthy morning, remind yourself that the ordinary really can be extraordinarily helpful and relaxing for your child.
4. Prioritize presence over production.
You’re prepared to cook four different sides and a main course for an elaborate holiday dinner that is sure to wow the family. In reality, they will probably be done eating in 10 minutes and retain just a vague memory of chaos, frustration, and a hot kitchen.
“Shared laughter and moments of rest matter more than curated experiences,” says Dr. Ghassemi. So drop the long to-do list that’s keeping you from feeling the joy of the season. Invite the kids into the kitchen to help bake a store-bought cookie mix, or to make their favorite meal: boxed mac and cheese.
The simple interactions of seeing the twinkling lights, singing holiday songs, and watching the snow fall are the moments your child will connect with you and with the season. It’s your presence, not the production, that gives these moments a special meaning.
5. Extend compassion inward.
You just said goodbye to the last relative after the holiday party you hosted, and you’re too tired to clean and put away every dish used that day. The self-criticism recording starts playing: I should be doing more. I’m being lazy if I leave things a mess.
Offer yourself kindness by taking a break, getting help, or getting some extra sleep. Choosing your own rest and well-being shows your child what self-care looks like in real time. When they see you treat yourself gently during a demanding season, they learn they’re allowed that same tenderness.
“Your self-kindness teaches your child what it feels like to be loved without conditions,” says Dr. Ghassemi.
Shifting Parental Guilt to Self-Compassion
Parental guilt is a common experience. It shows up when you worry about your kids all the time, when you feel like you haven’t done enough, or when your perceived mistakes weigh heavily on your mind. While guilt can sometimes motivate positive change, it often becomes a heavy burden that drains energy and clouds the ability to connect with loved ones.
Shifting from guilt to self-compassion means recognizing that parenting is hard and that imperfection is part of the journey. Instead of harsh self-judgment, self-compassion invites you to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. This shift helps parents reduce stress, improve emotional resilience, and model healthy coping for their children.
Practical Tips to Practice Self-Compassion
Here are some approaches to practice self-compassion this holiday season and throughout the year:
- When you feel guilty, pause and ask yourself: What would I say to a friend in this situation? Try to offer yourself the same kindness.
- Remind yourself that every parent makes mistakes, feels overwhelmed, and has imperfect moments. You’re not alone.
- When guilt rises, take a few slow, deep breaths to calm your nervous system and create space for self-kindness.
- Notice and appreciate the small wins when you connect with your child, show patience, or respond with care—especially when things don’t appear perfect to you.
By embracing self-compassion, you create space to acknowledge challenges without shame, to forgive yourself for mistakes, and to return to your family with renewed patience.
Support for Teens and Families at Newport Academy
Sometimes parents take on perfectionist tendencies when they’re striving to make things better for children or teens who are struggling with mental health. Our treatment supports the entire family, not just the child, and gives parents tools to strengthen parent-child relationships, build better communication, and practice self-compassion. We incorporate regular family therapy sessions and keep parents informed of their child’s progress throughout their stay, whether they are in residential or outpatient care.
A multidisciplinary care team meets patients where they are with tailored treatment plans that ensure a safe, empowering, and rewarding experience. We also work with most major health insurance companies to make our treatment programs as accessible as possible for your family. Contact us today to learn more. And, if you’re a young parent who is struggling with your own mental health, our Newport Institute program for young adults serves ages 18–35. Whatever your family’s needs are, our staff will assist you in getting the right care.
